Agenda Setting

Part of any therapy process needs to include setting the agenda with the client. This means the client chooses how much change, if any, he or she will make in treatment and the therapist goes at the client's pace.  This is important for a number of reasons, two reasons are 1. because the therapist can't work any harder than his or her client, and 2. because self determination and agency of the client are vital in successful treatment outcomes. So how badly do you want to change?

When setting the agenda, it's helpful to include a cost/benefit analysis of what you are experiencing so that you can foresee what process and outcome resistance might come up for you. For example, if you're focus of treatment is conflict with your spouse and you are miserable in your relationship, but really don't want to divorce your spouse, you will be faced with needing to change some things about yourself in order to change the situation in your relationship.

But why should you change? Why can't they change? Its easy to see how much easier your life would be if only they would change. It's hard to be the one to say "I'd rather be married than be right" and make some adjustments.  In fact, some people would rather live in misery than do the work necessary to change. That is generally because there are some benefits to staying the way you are.

It helps to know what you are up against, and doing a cost benefit analysis will help you know. Pick one of the scenarios that closely applies to you and fill out the advantages/disadvantages lines.

Attitude or emotion: "It's not me who needs to change, its his/her fault things are a mess"
Advantages to holding to this belief:
Disadvantages to holding to this belief:

Attitude or emotion: "I'm the victim here, I'm not doing anything wrong."
Advantages to holding to this belief:
Disadvantages to holding to this belief:

Attitude or emotion: "I feel like I've already tried everything in my power to improve things."
Advantages to holding to this belief:
Disadvantages to holding to this belief:

Attitude or emotion: "Nobody understands how hard it is, I can't do it."
Advantages to holding to this belief:
Disadvantages to holding to this belief:

What were your answers like?  Did they sound anything like the following?
Advantages to holding to this belief: You don't have to communicate your needs; you can justify feeling hurt; your don't have to forgive; it's safer to be guarded than being vulnerable with someone who can hurt you again; its easier to do what I'm used to.
Disadvantages to holding to this belief: You don't have an emotional connection; trust is broken; you actually don't feel safe you feel the need to guard yourself; everything is more complicated because your upset about being at odds with someone you love; you are unhappy.

The answers will vary because no two people are the same, what's serving one will not necessarily serve another, neither will the what's hurting one hurt another. But knowing the advantages and disadvantages can help you really see which side is more important. Is it more important to you to feel safe and guarded, or vulnerable and connected? Which is serving you in the interest of you goal?  How important is it to you to change? How hard are you willing to work in order to get rid of those disadvantages, or maybe you aren't really interested in getting rid of them at all?