I think, therefore I fear

Anxiety. One among many of the wide range of emotions we will experience during our life. Depending on its intensity anxiety can range from mild nervousness or anticipation to terror or panic.  Many clients come with the goal of not being "so anxious" or eliminating anxiety altogether.  Is it unnecessary to be anxious?  What constitutes a healthy amount of anxiety?

We need some anxiety, it keeps us from getting into goal-hampering or dangerous situations. For example, its anxiety that keeps us safe on the road, we pay attention to other drivers and don't wander into the oncoming traffic due to fear of getting in an accident. But too much of it and you become a road hazard; heightened anxiety can cause you to be paralyzed by fear, hyperventilate due to panic, or cry in fear, or become too terrified to get in a vehicle altogether.

Where are you on the anxiety spectrum?  If zero were "feeling completely calm and safe" and ten were "full blown panic attack," in what situations do you find yourself at a 3? a 9?  Perhaps when you are driving you are only at a 2, but going into the grocery store anxiety levels reach a 7? Perhaps at home you are a 0, but when someone knocks on the door you jump to a 10? It is different for every person because of differences in biology, psychology, and environment. Understanding how each domain influences anxiety can help you keep your anxiety at manageable levels.

In the psychological realm, our thoughts affect our anxiety levels. If you are afraid, its assumed that you must be anticipating bad things will happen, otherwise the fear would not be there.  What are you anticipating bad will happen?  What are you telling yourself when you are in the anxiety-provoking situation? Changing your thoughts to be free of distortions or self defeating beliefs can help decrease your fear of what might happen. This is hard to do because thoughts are so automatic and shaped over years of development.

In the biological realm, our sleep, diet, and exercise regime affect our anxiety levels. High intake of caffeine and sugar will affect mood swings and may created a heightened sense of anticipation. Not eating regularly can cause low blood sugar which may make you vulnerable to feelings of fear. Exercise helps regulate chemical flow in the brain and will give you an increased sense of control. Sleep restores the brain function and allows for more ability to think clearly.  Many are the benefits of a balance in healthy eating, active lifestyle, and sleep and rest; lowered anxiety is one of the benefits.

In the environmental realm, stress levels affect anxiety. Depending on your stage of life and circumstances you may or may not have a lot of control over your environment. Be that as it may, high stress levels increase cortisol production, which is the "stress hormone" that moves you to action and can cause influx of adreneline to be secreted unnecessarily. High amounts of cortisol are toxic to our brains and will decrease our ability to maintain healthy levels of anxiety.

All of these domains are affected by each other. For example, if you are experiencing high levels of stress in your environment, it may be due to the fact that psychologically you are telling yourself that your productivity level is tied to your self worth, which makes it feel impossible to decrease your work load. This can affect your time to rest and exercise, and even may negatively affect your eating patterns.  A good place to start in managing your anxiety is by monitoring your thoughts, which is why therapy can be so helpful.  We think, therefore we fear.  Grab whatever courage you can, and seek guidance to make sure your thoughts are not exacerbating emotional pain due to anxiety.

Book Review: Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown

Brene Brown does a thorough job in her book "Gifts of Imperfection" helping readers to learn the CBT acceptance paradox technique ("The Acceptance Paradox...is arguably the most powerful and important CBT technique of all. Patients tell themselves, 'I'm no good. I'm defective. There must be something wrong with me.' When patients try to argue with these thoughts, that rob them of self-esteem, they often end up feeling even worse. Instead, you can show patients how to defeat or transcend their defectiveness by accepting it. Although this is very simple, it is incredibly difficult, because patients cannot readily distinguish healthy acceptance from unhealthy acceptance, which are radically different." David Burns). Brown helps her readers learn a healthy acceptance. Her premise-- shame doesn't make people better, compassion authenticity and courage make people better--along with tools and tips on how to live a "whole-hearted" life provide valuable insight to readers and inspiration to help them move forward despite limitations.  Her work as a researcher and her personal experience gives her assertions a truthful groundwork and a sensitive approach, and there's lots of tidbits of inspiration throughout.

Brown warns: "There are too many books that make promises they can't keep or make change sound so much easier than it is. The truth is that meaningful change is a process. It can be uncomfortable and is often risky, especially when we're talking about embracing our imperfections, cultivating authenticity, and looking the world in the eye and saying 'I am enough.'"

Personalization

When I was a freshman in college I took a Calculus class at the suggestion of a guidance counselor at the university. I failed the class, and after the last test I went home and cried and thought "Its all my fault! I'm a failure."  When I had to explain what happened to friends and family, I told people the guidance counselor was to blame for advising me to take calculus.  I oscillated back and forth between blaming myself 100% and blaming the counselor 100%, but usually defaulted to feeling like I was completely to blame for listening to him in the first place and thinking I was smart enough to handle that class, my self talk became negative and my confidence in my abilities in math disappeared, and I changed majors.

 After some time passed, I started feeling like maybe it was both our faults for failing calculus, so even though the failing grade permanently imprinted on my transcript caused me much embarrassment, I was able to get passed the feelings of guilt and inferiority.

Much later in life when I learned that there are many pieces to the responsibility pie, I was able to think back on failing calculus and see that it wasn't just my fault, wasn't just the counselor's fault, but many circumstances set that failing grade in motion.  My high school trigonometry class didn't adequately prepare me, my parents limitations in math prevented their helping me, the university class size of 250 students was not conducive to helping those falling behind, my friends who wanted to hang out instead of encouraging me to study, my inexperience in college classes in general, etc etc.  My responsiblity pie looks more like this:

The unhelpful thought distortion "personalization" is one of the many variations on "all-or-nothing" thinking. Thinking "It's all my fault" or "It's all their fault" cause us excessive guilt, anger and resentment and neither promote healthy change after a mistake has been made.

"Our weaknesses are secret doorways to our strengths." --Madeleine L'Engle

Suicide Prevention

When should my child/teen see a therapist?

Many parents come into my office seeking help for their child for a variety of difficulties.  There seems to be better outcomes with those that bring their children in the early stages of difficulties than those that wait. The earlier interventions can stop some of these difficult thinking and behavior patterns from becoming entrenched, and more difficult to change.   So what should parents look for to know if their child needs mental health treatment?  Before I give some warning signs I believe that it is important that a parent should follow their parental instinct if they believe the child need professional care. Here are some warning signs that parents should seek professional advice if their child exhibits any of these:

Warning Signs.

• Drastic Changes in Moods: Your child’s moods swing drastically from one extreme to another.  Depressed moods, isolation, sleeping and eating habits change.  An increase in anger and aggression.
• Thoughts of Suicide:  Attempts and threats of killing themselves.  Suicidal language or notes, “I wish I were dead” etc.  Para-suicidal behaviors such as cutting, and burning themselves.
• Declining School Performance:  Truancy, and declining grades become a constant problem.  Oppositional behaviors towards teachers and school administration.  Fights and other forms of aggression at school.
• Indication of drug use:  Secretive behavior, drug paraphernalia, changes in mood and sleeping habits, aggressiveness.
• Social Concerns:  Your child may isolate them self from friends and family, or a drastic change in the group of friends your child “hangs out” with.  Constantly blames others for their difficulties.  Poor Hygiene.
• Failing Family Relationships:   Increased family conflict.  Oppositional behavior to family rules.  Aggressive behaviors toward parents and siblings.  Running away from home.

With the exception of the suicidal thoughts and behaviors, it would be normal for your child to deal with some of these warning sign.  The key is to look for a pattern of difficulties.  In the case of the child’s safety the parent should always seek professional help.  If in question a parent should always consult a professional such as a therapist or a medical provider.  I encourage parents to not wait too long to have an evaluation if these warning sign are present.  A mental health provider can assist you in getting the appropriate help for your child, and your family.

Parenting Class

There was once a man who gave a class for parents on how to parent. He called it "Ten Commandments for Parents," and parents, being insecure about their abilities, came from far and near to attend his class and learn how to be better parents. At this time he was not married and had no children. One day he met the woman of his dreams and got married. In time they had a child. He then retitled his class "Five Suggestions for Parents." In time they were blessed with another offspring. He then renamed the class, "Three tentative Hints for Parents." After their third child was born, he stopped teaching the class altogether.

(Excerpt taken from "In Search of Solutions")

Its a daunting task to be a parent, and even more daunting to teach a class on the best way to be a parent. Yet we offer a parenting class at Successful Therapy!  Not because we have perfected our own parenting, but because (similar to overcoming anxiety, depression, trauma, or addictions) there are many different ways to approaching parenting and we want to make sure you have the best approach for your children.  We understand that parenting is hard! 

Parenting is a never ending curriculum that parents and children learn as they grow and develop together.  There is rarely a clear cut answer for dealing with children who have agency and a million different personalities and ways of thinking, and on top of that are developing emotional regulation (and to be honest parents' emotions are pushed to the limits as well). Furthermore, we can't eliminate that natural pain that will occur as parents watch their children experience significant learning opportunities. What we can do is help you to learn how to handle manipulation and emotional breakdowns without breaking a sweat, offer ways to improve your ability to love and show compassion while setting clear boundaries and consequences, develop empathy and listening skills, and steer you clear of actions that will get in the way of having an enduring positive emotional relationship with your child.  Parenting classes are like vitamins, they can't solve everything but they also won't hurt you, they can only help.

 Parenting Seminar

Keven R. Downs, LCSW

Heather Schauers, CSW

801-787-7735  

    successfultherapy.net

Always never overgeneralize

Overgeneralizing is a common thinking error that happens when you take a current situation and turn it into a never ending pattern of defeat with your words.

         She always favors her over me.

         He never listens.

         Everything is going wrong today.

Careful. Has there ever been a time when she put your needs first? Does her really "never" listen or is he just not listening now? Was there really "nothing" good about today?  If you are careful to stop and try to find the exceptions, or think of when that statement might not be true, you will put the lie to the distortion, and give your mind some relief from the underlying statement your really saying: "Everything is always bad for me."

The antidote is simple. Replace the absolute statements with something else.

         She oftentimes favors her over me.

         Sometimes he doesn't listen.

        A lot of things have gone wrong today.

This puts things in a more manageable perspective, helps you avoid all or nothing thinking errors, and turns a mental prison sentence into more of a minfulness state by observing something that is true for this moment rather than predicting things will be like this forever.

"Human beings are playing a rigged game in which the mind itself has turned on its host."
     Steven Hayes

"A small change in the way we talk can result in much better cooperation...less hate, and more loving relationships." Foster Cline

Our desire is to give you the right information

Breaking free of the "All or Nothing" thinking trap: Story of the Taoist Farmer

Once upon a time there was a man with one acre of land, one faithful son, and one beautiful horse. One day his horse got loose and ran away, and all his family and friends said, "Oh! How unfortunate for you! That's your only horse, what are you going to do?" But the man just said "I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing."

The horse joined a group of wild horses and became very thirsty. So the horse found his way back to the farm and brought 10 wild horses with him. All the farmers family and friends said, "Oh how fortunate for you. You now have 10 more horses! " and the man said, "I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing."

          One day while the man's son was out training one of the wild horses, the horse reared up and landed on the boy, and broke both his legs. The farmer's family and friends said to him, "Oh! How unfortunate for you. That's your only son. What are you going to do?" The man just said, "I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing."

          The next week war broke out and all the able-bodied young men in the village were called to serve in the war.  The farmer's son could not go due to his broken legs, and all the sons of the village were killed on the front. All the famer's friends bitterly chided, "How fortunate for you, your son did not have to go to war." The man only replied, "I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing."

          After some time the farmer's son became very depressed because his friends had all died in the war and he had not been able to fight with them, so he left the farm and his father to find a better life. As neighbors wondered how he would be able to go on, he said "I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing."

          Five years later the son returned with a small fortune and a wife, and the old man was able to retire and sold his farm to his son who became quite wealthy. Though others looked on in envy, the wise man only smiled.

          "I don't know if it's a good thing, or a bad thing."

It is our goal to make sure you feel your best and stay that way. You can count on our many years of experience, our highly trained team of therapists, and exquisite professional service.  Our philosophy is based in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Solution Focused Therapy, and Client Centered approaches.

Here are some of the reasons that set us apart:

• Flexible office hours
• Three Licensed Therapists, Male and Female
• Comfortable and peaceful office environment