Call today to schedule an appointment 801-787-7735

Thursday, April 24, 2014

Agenda Setting

Part of any therapy process needs to include setting the agenda with the client. This means the client chooses how much change, if any, he or she will make in treatment and the therapist goes at the client's pace.  This is important for a number of reasons, two reasons are 1. because the therapist can't work any harder than his or her client, and 2. because self determination and agency of the client are vital in successful treatment outcomes. So how badly do you want to change?

When setting the agenda, it's helpful to include a cost/benefit analysis of what you are experiencing so that you can foresee what process and outcome resistance might come up for you. For example, if you're focus of treatment is conflict with your spouse and you are miserable in your relationship, but really don't want to divorce your spouse, you will be faced with needing to change some things about yourself in order to change the situation in your relationship.

But why should you change? Why can't they change? Its easy to see how much easier your life would be if only they would change. It's hard to be the one to say "I'd rather be married than be right" and make some adjustments.  In fact, some people would rather live in misery than do the work necessary to change. That is generally because there are some benefits to staying the way you are.

It helps to know what you are up against, and doing a cost benefit analysis will help you know. Pick one of the scenarios that closely applies to you and fill out the advantages/disadvantages lines.

Attitude or emotion: "It's not me who needs to change, its his/her fault things are a mess"
Advantages to holding to this belief:
Disadvantages to holding to this belief:

Attitude or emotion: "I'm the victim here, I'm not doing anything wrong."
Advantages to holding to this belief:
Disadvantages to holding to this belief:

Attitude or emotion: "I feel like I've already tried everything in my power to improve things."
Advantages to holding to this belief:
Disadvantages to holding to this belief:

Attitude or emotion: "Nobody understands how hard it is, I can't do it."
Advantages to holding to this belief:
Disadvantages to holding to this belief:

What were your answers like?  Did they sound anything like the following?
Advantages to holding to this belief: You don't have to communicate your needs; you can justify feeling hurt; your don't have to forgive; it's safer to be guarded than being vulnerable with someone who can hurt you again; its easier to do what I'm used to.
Disadvantages to holding to this belief: You don't have an emotional connection; trust is broken; you actually don't feel safe you feel the need to guard yourself; everything is more complicated because your upset about being at odds with someone you love; you are unhappy.

The answers will vary because no two people are the same, what's serving one will not necessarily serve another, neither will the what's hurting one hurt another. But knowing the advantages and disadvantages can help you really see which side is more important. Is it more important to you to feel safe and guarded, or vulnerable and connected? Which is serving you in the interest of you goal?  How important is it to you to change? How hard are you willing to work in order to get rid of those disadvantages, or maybe you aren't really interested in getting rid of them at all?   

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Mental Filter

If you suffer from shyness, anxiety about going into something new, or fear of not knowing what you are doing, or have any social phobia of any kind, you may be buying into the cognitive distortion which is a sub type of All or Nothing thinking, the "Mental Filter."  Mental filtering is when we pay especial attention to our limitations and weaknesses or outright flaws, and filter out the positive qualities we have.  This makes us feel vulnerable and saps our confidence, and the thought of facing situations where we don't know what to expect will cause massive amounts of anxiety.

Do you ever tell yourself any of the following?

"I won't know what I'm doing."
"Everyone will think I'm weird or stupid."
"I can't do, that I already tried and couldn't do it."
"I made a mistake, I'm a loser."
"Everyone else seems to have it together, what's wrong with me?"
"That would be too [hard, humiliating, scary, embarrassing]"

Coupled with some other cognitive distortions, the Mental Filter is present in all of these statements.  Assuming that because you aren't the expert in a situation so you won't be able to handle it turns out to be self fulfilling prophecy; either you don't try so you never find out, or if you do try your hesitation and holding back will suggest to people that you truly can't handle it. Either way you get to avoid what you feel you can't do, and this only gives you another layer to add to the negative attributes list that you are holding in the mental filter sieve.

You owe it to yourself to stop filtering out all your positive qualities!  People are more than their negative attributes, much more. If your negative attributes count, so do your positive attributes.


It may take years to understand that you can be weak and its OK, but it will be revolutionary once you get it. It doesn't have to be one or the other, it can be both! Combat the mental filter with a combination of self defense and acceptance. Examples include:

Its true I'll never get everything done in a day that needs to be done. (acceptance)
I'll never be "good enough" but I am enough (acceptance and self defense)
I'm not able to completely control my emotions. (acceptance)
I'll make mistakes every day. (acceptance)
There will always be people who don't value me, judge me, and maybe even dislike me. (acceptance)
Some things are in my control, some are not, that is normal. (acceptance)
Some days I won't live up to my own standards and values. (acceptance)
I won't know all the answers. (acceptance)
I'll experience humiliation shame and fear. (acceptance)
I can accept these because it's OK, what we’re here for is to learn. (self defense)
Every day I can get up and try again. (self defense)
Every day I can be thankful for something. (self defense)
Every day I can step a little closer to my goals. (self defense)
I can endure, and save myself for days of happiness. (self defense)
I'm not an expert on everything but I have many strengths and talents. (acceptance and self defense)
I can use the strengths I have and apply them in situations I feel weak. (self defense)
I'll never give up holding to my standards and values. (self defense)
Where it truly matters to me, I excel. (self defense)

My favorite combination of acceptance and self defense sounds like this: "I'm weak and I'm strong. I'll never be 100% good or 100% bad. I'm capable and I'm limited, I fail and I succeed. There's no one like me out there so there's no one I'd rather be than me." 

These will help you will cure yourself of Mental Filter so you will be able to build the confidence you need to move in the direction you desire.